Grateful Torture

I know the title is a little confusing. Here's a little background:

Taylor plays basketball on Tuesday nights. He doesn't come home until late and doesn't answer his phone when I call (nor does he ever interrupt his games to call). So I was surprised when I received a phone call from him aroudn 10:30 p.m. last Tuesday. This is a rough gist of the converstation:

Taylor: Hi Honey.

Me (in a really happy voice because I think he's making a sweet gesture): Oh! It's so nice to hear from you! I can't believe you called me between games! I love you! That's so sweet.

Taylor: We'll I'm glad you love me, but I'm calling because I can't move.

Me: Oh. What happened?

Taylor: We'll my ankle came down before my foot and I can't walk and I have an ice pack on it.

Me: Okay. How bad is it?

Taylor: It's REALLY swollen and I can't walk on it. In fact, I had to crawl to the sidelines once the horrible shocking pain went away.

So the conversation went on for a little bit longer about how he's going to get home. He had some buddies help him to the car where he had to drive LEFT footed home. I'm not a bad wife; we had to get the car home somehow. He voluntarily chose to do that.

Luckily, his ankle isn't broken. He's had an MRI and he's in a "walking" boot (there's no walking right now - the pain is too intense) WITH crutches. I'm sure he's ripped a bunch of tissue, ligaments, tendons, and whatever else you can injure that isn't bone. I don't think I've ever seen him in this much pain.

Okay, now that I've explained that, here's the real reason for my post:

I have an amazing husband who helped out so much without asking! It is so different having to do my responsibilities with his because he physically cannot do it. It is one of the hardest things I've ever done - having to take care of a home, husband and child, and work (and keep up with my church duties) and be a chauffeur (sp?) to my husband when I can.

WOW - its HARD! Props to all the single parents who do this on their own. I really hope I never have to do this permanently. Even though this experience has been physically taxing, it's really made me open my eyes to how AMAZING my husband is. I am truly blessed.

Oh, and I'm quitting my job (we decided this a while ago) in a little less than three weeks.

Ella's totally a poser...

Yes, that is Ella holding her new cousin, Elliott. She BEGGED to hold him and did a great job holding him by herself. This pic was taken toward the end of the baby holding session - so I had to help out. Or as Ella said, "Mommy, Elliott heavy!" Thanks to Jen and Grant for the pic on Facebook!

Our sweet little girl has started posing for pictures. This has never happened before and in the past two weeks, we've gotten two fabulous pictures of her. I am getting so excited because I won't spend near as much time taking pictures of the side of her head, or the top or of nothing at all because she won't hold still for long enough.

So here's Ella's latest joke:

Ella: Knock, knock
Mom: (or anyone else who will participate): Who's there?
Ella: Ninya (as in her cousin, Lydia)
Mom: Lydia who?
Ella: (after a short pause) BOO!

She made it up herself! Also, she has a new phrase - SUPERMILK! This is because she didn't like the Sam's Club's new milk jugs because they're different from Wal-Mart. Anyway, Taylor called it 'Supermik' and Ella instantly took hold. In fact, we hear this phrase several times a day (now, imagine Ella running around the house, Wal-Mart, Sam's Club, etc., in a superhero pose with her fist pumped in the air after the statement has finished.)

"Supermulk a a recue! (Translation: Supermilk, to the rescue!)"

Yes, most children have Spiderman or Superman, but my kid has Supermilk! At least I know she'll drink her milk.

The Love story of Dora & Boots and Ella

So Ella has really never liked any character in costume. She likes them from far away and will NEVER under any circumstances take a picture close to them. Until Dora & Boots. They were at the Emergency Preparedness Fair at the Bentonville Stake Center. I knew they'd be there, but when Ella saw them she totally beamed. So we got two totally adorable pictures. Let me note that Ella NEVER poses and holds a smile for the camera this long. She now considers Dora and Boots her Friends because they are no longer just in a cartoon.
So sweet. She was such a good girl. And so excited to see Dora and Boots!

A thank you and more insight into miscarriage....

First of all, thank you to everyone for your kind words during this really difficult time for us. Your thoughts and prayers have been heard and we really appreciate what everyone has done for us.

Second, I apologize to anyone who was offended at my last post. I still feel that way, but I think it was worded too strongly. I've been really angry - mostly because I don't understand or have a reason this is happening to us - this miscarriage and wish everyone understands, or will come to understand how difficult it is.

Taylor and I will start testing in three months to find out what's going on. In the meantime, we'll look into adoption. I don't know how many more of these I can handle. I just don't have the time, patience, or emotions to handle many more of these miscarriages. Don't take that as we're never going to try again. I'm just thinking there might be a better way to build our family than having three miscarriages in one year. There's only so much one woman can take!

Plus, Bank of America has amazing benefits. If adoption is the next route we choose to take, all of our costs through LDS Family Services will be refunded. I'm not sure if it means after we get a child or after we pay, but it's pretty nice incentive, don't you think? Adoption through LDS Family services is 10 percent of your yearly income last year... It's definitely money well spent to grow our family.

The last miscarriage we had was really hard on both of us, but this one had a whole different meaning. I was really optimistic during the last one, and even though it was emotionally hard, I figured we could get pregnant with another if we took our time. We'll we did, so when this one happened, I was completely heartbroken. I was pretty numb for about three days. I didn't shed one tear those three days. As I went to the hospital to have my THIRD D&C, I realized I was REALLY angry. I honestly can say I was angry with the Lord. Why me? I was angry because I didn't understand and I didn't know what else or who else to be angry about or with. I felt it was unfair that I have to do this time after time.

Just for anyone who wants to know what to say to anyone in a similar situation (whether it's one, two, or ten miscarriages): "I'm so sorry. What can I do to help you?" Those are some of the most comforting 10 words you can say.

You'd think we'd give up after two....

Well, at least we're persistent and have kept trying. I began my THIRD miscarriage today. I am sad* and in pain, but definitely not mourning like I did with the last one.

We had an ultrasound on Friday and everything looked great - I had the unusual feeling that things were not going right. On the screen, everything showed as it should. The doc thought it looked great, but I was still really uneasy. Maybe it's because I, or Taylor for that matter, never really got attached because of history. Either way, my mommy instincts were correct. I knew they were, I just didn't want them to be right.

Taylor and I are both sad, but we feel so eternally grateful we've been blessed with what might be our only child on Earth. Ella is amazing and I can't even describe the love I feel every time I think, see, or even touch her. I just wish that one day I can feel the same love with another child. Until then, I will move on, remember, and keep trying. One day we'll know what path to take: pregnancy or adoption. Either way, we'll have an amazing beautiful child we'll love, adore, and welcome into our home with open arms.

*The most difficult part of this whole thing is watching friends and family get pregnant and have babies without what seems to be a great effort. I know some have struggled, but I makes me so angry when people WHINE about being pregnant! I honestly would give so much just to have another baby. In fact, I'd give a whole lot just to make it past the seven week mark (which I now haven't done in three pregnancies). Note to many women out there who take their fertility for granted: STOP COMPLAINING. There are many of us who would gladly give our most prized possessions just to be in your shoes.

My Crazy - Purely Divine

So, since taking a job with Wal-Mart, my brain is thinking "retail" almost all day long. But I never realized it would transfer to my life.

I think, if I plan it well, and get financing, I am going to open a retail store. It's not a "stack 'em high, watch them fly" store. It is very tailored.

I want to open a store that caters ONLY modest clothing. I haven't quite decided if it would just be clothes because the orginal idea was for modest wedding and formal dresses.

The idea is still very new, but the more I think about it, the more I want to do it. I know the demand is great here, and if/when we get a temple here eventually, I'll be ahead of the curve.

I don't sew, but I know enough women that sew and can help alter dresses if I go the more glizy route.

I have to put a business plan together and get a loan to start all this, because I don't have the money but I feel it is a good idea.

Let me know what you think.

The names I've come up with so far are:

Purely Divine
Divinely Modest
Divine Choice
(insert your idea here)

Callings and another side note.

So I teach the 12-13 year olds. It's pretty funny going into the class because I was so used to teaching junior primary - when it seems like all 45 kids have ADD, and now they just sit there - COMPLETELY silent. It's a bit awkward at first, but I kind of broke through the shell.

Taylor helped me because he explained some stuff about the boys...who didn't say a word until I asked them questions about five times. In his words, "they are just realizing things are happening to them and they are starting to get attracted to the girls. And then, on top of it all, they don't want to say anything because there are girls in their class. It's funny. But I remember being a 12-year-old girl and looking at the boys thinking they're weird for being silent in class.

Even with all the hormonal stuff happening with all of them, they are all great kids. They are going to teach me so much. I'll get them all talking before the end of the year. I just hope that I can give them the spiritual tools to get through the rough teenage years.

On another note, the Hogs stunk today. They would have won if A) the refs weren't so one-sided and B) we didn't freaking start out so slow.

And another note: here's Ella being so sweet. We don't get smiles like this much anymore. They're more like this: